Struggling

Who knew that I would be on such an emotional roller coaster right now? I’m thankful for my level head in times like these. When I want to be mad, and all emotional, and feel hurt, my head steps in and tells me I’m being irrational and that I need to just chill out and look at things from a duel point of view.


There are 2 sides to everything. It’s not always easy to see, but its there. Thankfully I have some very loyal friends that are there to help smack me in the face with reality. I know that the people I love will not always be right, but I will still stand up for them, and then tell them they’re being dumb. I think the most important part of that though is that I realize that I am defending them out of loyalty and not for the wrong reason. Its hard sometimes to know the right reason but I think that as long as I know both sides that I can still be loyal and pick which battles to fight, and which to sit out.

I have a lot of obstacles in my path right now. The biggest one I’m staring at is a huge sinkhole. If I’m not careful with how I try to overcome it, I could fall in and be sucked down in. My baby Star is sick, and is dying from Kidney failure. The vet’s can’t see any reason for it other than Genetics. She can’t keep her food down, and she has no energy. I feel like I’ve failed her. She is the most amazing loving dog. And she is mine. I’ve had a lot of pets. I’ve had to put horses down, I watched a foal break its neck and we had to shoot it and bury it. I’ve had to pull a horse off of a T post that had impaled the horse through the heart, and bury her. I was there for my Dad when Tank, who was in pain from when his stomach flipped, was put down. I watched baby chickens get stepped on and we had to ring their necks so they wouldn’t suffer… I’ve seen a lot of death… But none of it is hitting me as hard as having to put Star down. She’s mine, and there is nothing I can do to help her other than put her down. She would otherwise suffer and hurt and she deserves so much better than that. This is the only thing I can give her… and I hate it.