Friendships and Relationships and Me

This is a total opinion piece but your welcome to put in your two sense. I had a talk with a friend of mine today that is in a tough spot, and had another talk with another friend where I felt like I had to defend myself. Got me thinking about similar situations that I have had in the past and just remembering how I got to where I am at.

First conversation delt with dealing with people where bridges have been burned. I'm thinking of my friendships with Amanda and Tiffany. I loved them both dearly. Amanda and I still don't talk, and I don't think we ever will again. I don't understand why things ended the way they did. (It was really really messy) and I was sad to loose her as a friend. However I do know that with how things were proceeding at the time, its better that we not be friends. Though I do still sometimes miss her sense of humor and how she could always make me laugh. I've been able to be in the same room as her and at the same parties and we still have a good time. So I'm glad that at least that is able to happen. Tiffany is still an entirely different matter. Her pride got hurt and still I hear about things she'll say about me. As sad as it is, its kind of hard to take her seriously anymore. I do hope that she at least took something positive out of all of it and was able to move forward with her life in a positive direction. I haven't heard anything other than the things she says about me, but then again I haven't bothered to ask either. Again though its probably best we're not friends.

I know that I made some... oh I don't want to say enemies. Lets just say that some people didn't want to bother to see both sides and decided to stick by the other. Which I am ok with. Anytime there is fighting there is a side taken. There were some friends with the whole Amanda fight that were able to keep neutral and I commend them for it. I'm glad I still have them around.

The second thing that happened today came completely out of left field. Though I'm sure this person isn't the only one that feels like this, I'm not going to make excuses for my behavior or why I am acting the way I am. Life has delt me the hand that I have. Granted I am still wanting to be the social butterfly that I always was, but I've been in a different place lately. I haven't been able to go to the events that I want to go to or see the people that I want to go see. Why? Lots of reasons (no that is not an excuse). Life hasn't been all peaches and cream the past while. I've been working like crazy. I won't go into a ton of details about the situation... I know that others have it wayyy worse than what I do. And to be honest, I really don't have it that bad. I have a lot to be thankful for. Do I get to go see and hang out with all my friends? No... not all the time. The Bombers have suffered a lot since I've not been able to dedicate time to it. But that also in itself brings to light other things that I have to take into consideration.

Honestly... and this could just be the hormones talking (I find myself irritated tonight) I think that with the wedding coming up fast, baby on the way, and both Dave and I having solid jobs; I need to really look at the things in my life and the people in my life and see if they are really worth it. Do I have the time? Do I have the engery? I'm tired of spending so much time and energy into things and on people that everyone else gets to enjoy but no one bothers to help with. I've had some friends really come out the woodwork lately and I don't want to take them for granted. But others... Maybe they are better left on facebook. I know that sounds rude, but honestly I'm exhausted. I'm tired of caring what everyone else thinks or what they think I should or should not be doing. I just want to be me. Be who I am without regret, no excuses, no guilt. Doing what I need to do in order to make it through the day. For those that can understand that and be forgiving when its called for, awesome. For those that can't, well then I don't need you in my life.

Things are changing... Really quickly. I'm finding that my priorities have changed. Not a bad thing to be honest. As I'm defining things more I find myself to be a happier Heather. As bad as I feel about saying it and feeling this way, maybe its about time. I want to be happy and I'm tired of the "your not who you used to be" or "your not doing things the right way" or the "you've changed and I don't like it" guilt trips. 

UGH! K done venting... Thanks for listening.